Weekly
Rant
By: Blood
September 11, 2001
Well
after the deluge of hate mail, death threats, and
beatings I nearly
received after writing the "I Hate Quake
Article," I thought I would go
out of my way to attack another important
institution in the computer
gaming world. What may that be you ask? Well it's
the booth babes at E3.
I
know, I know, we all like to see the skimpily clad
women hired by game companies as we set out to see
what is new in the gaming world, the question is,
is it right? I guess that depends on how you
define right. I personally define right as the
side of my body opposite the left side. So there
you have it. I guess whether it is right or not in
my opinion depends on what direction the booth
babes are from where you may be standing.
Let's
go back in time and look at the booth babe
timeline.
1958:
Willy Higinbotham invents the first computer
game using vacuum tubes. Higinbotham's mother
Hela Higinbotham stands by scantily clad in an
ankle-to-wrist one piece swimming suit,
containing enough cloth for a large army tent.
Yes
for all you "know it all" historians,
Higinbotham's game came well
before Pong.
Well
that's all the research I felt like doing... The
problem with the whole booth babe concept is that
people are taking advantage of computer geeks.
Let's face it, the only real women most of them
know are their mothers, and that ugly girl in
school with the braces and head gear. In fact many
computer nerds are allergic to girls. The major
symptoms include, rapid loss of intelligence, loss
of vocal powers, profuse sweating, and clumsiness.
Why
is this a problem? Well many manufacturers know
that if their product isn't quite what is should
be, they can cause many the computer geek to have
his senses fogged by pretty women. With six gals
in bikinis hanging around me, do you think I'm
going to give a damn what kind of game they
represent? At that point I'd be struggling to
remember my name. An example in point was the
release of Quake 3 at E3. To hide the fact that
the game was little more than nice graphics and
had no story line whatsoever, the developers of
Quake 3 brought in six bus loads of super models.
This shrewd move has sold thousands upon thousands
of copies of the game. Even though most buyers
have no idea what is compelling them to buy it.
Little do the know they were the unwitting victims
of E3 booth babes.
In
an effort to battle this growing trend, and to
quit turning America's
daughters into sexual objects, PCShooter has
decided that we are going to buck this trend and
hire booth babes of a whole new caliber. We've
decided that nearly as popular as beautiful women,
are shirtless fat guys. We'll be hiring nine
shirtless fat guys each with one of the
following letters written on their bellies with
body paint P-C-S-H-O-O-T-E-R. We'll then line them
up (in order of course) then have them recite a
memorized cheer while dancing in the best possible
way to to maximize fat jiggle.
Who
says were not doing our part to right America's
wrongs. If anyone is interested in being a
PCShooter Fat Guy, send your application to Luckee.
**Editor's
Note: As always, Blood's opinions do not
necessarily represent those of the other members
of the PCShooter Staff. Feel free to send in
your e-mails, but be advised that there is no
PCShooter Fat Guy Contest being held.**
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